What is consent?
To consent means to agree to something, and the word can be used in lots of different situations. When it comes to sex specifically, to consent means to agree to have sex or engage in sexual activity.
Consent and the law
The Sexual Offences Act 2003 (England and Wales) defines consent as when a person ‘agrees by choice and has the capacity to make that choice’.
In the eyes of the law, consent is the agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. All those involved must have the freedom and full capacity to make that decision. Engaging in a sexual act without the person’s consent is sexual violence and is a criminal offence.
The law around consent makes consensual sex and sexual assault seem very black and white when consent can be ambiguous and confusing.
F.R.I.E.S
A good way to remember the different elements that make up consent is the acronym F.R.I.E.S:
F – Freely given
Consent should be given without pressure, coercion, manipulation, guilt, or fear. If someone feels that they have to say yes, that is not consent.
R – Reversible
Consent must be reversible, meaning you can change your mind at any point of the sexual encounter. Consent isn’t permanent, you can say yes and then change your mind, and that must be respected by your partner/s.
I – Informed
You can only consent to something if you have all the information. If someone hides or lies about something, for example not using a condom when they said that they would, that undermines consent.
E – Enthusiastic
Enthusiastic consent sounds like ‘Yes! I want to!’ If someone says, ‘I guess’ or ‘fine’, that isn’t enthusiastic and shouldn’t be taken as consent. If someone seems unsure or uncomfortable through their body language and verbal communication, check in with them. Consent is more than just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in the moment, and requires verbal and physical communication before, during and after sexual activity.
S – Specific
Saying yes to one sexual act doesn’t mean you have said yes to every sexual act from this moment forward. The ‘yes’ doesn’t carry over to the next sexual activity.
Who cannot consent?
Another way of thinking about it is consent is someone saying ‘yes’ only when they REALLY mean ‘yes’ because it is something they genuinely want to do (the E in FRIES).
There are situations where someone might not be able to give consent because they don’t have the freedom or capacity to do so. Some examples of this are:
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If a person is too drunk or too under the influence of drugs to understand what is happening: Being under the influence of drugs or alcohol may mean that someone doesn’t have the mental capacity to consent to sexual activity. They may not be able to understand what they are agreeing to, even if they can say ‘yes’.
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If a person is asleep or unconscious: Someone who is asleep or unconscious is not aware of what is going on and, therefore, does not have the mental capacity to consent to sexual activity.
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If a person is pressured or coerced: If someone is being, manipulated or threatened in to sexual activity, they do not have the freedom to consent. This is because their decision is being influenced by pressure and/or fear. Threats could include physical violence, but also things like threatening to break-up or to share secrets or images with other people (the F in FRIES)
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If someone is under the age of consent: In the UK, the legal age of consent is 16. This means that, legally, a person under 16 cannot consent to sexual activity because they are seen as not having the capacity to do so. It is important to remember that the law is designed to protect young people from abuse, harm or being taken advantage of by adults. It is not meant to criminalise young people and there is no intention to prosecute people under the age of 16 where both mutually agree (consent) and where they are of a similar age.
Who does consent affect?
Everyone!
Everyone needs to know about consent so they can keep themselves and other people safe. It is important for everyone to understand what it means to give and get consent, not only because anyone could experience sexual activity against their will, but because everyone also has the potential to engage in sexual activity with someone who might not want to if they don’t understand how to navigate consent.
Consent isn’t only important when engaging in sexual activities, consent is around us every day.
You have given consent before when you have:
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Set up a social media account
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Attended a school trip
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Borrowed an item from someone
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Drawn a boundary
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Touched, hugged, kisses anyone – including family
How to get help when consent was ignored
If someone forces you to do something sexual that you do not want to do, it is never your fault and it is not OK. If this has happened to you, you should speak to someone you trust to get help and support and report what has happened.
If you're in immediate danger, call 999. If you can't speak, press 55 to alert the operator. For non-emergencies, call 101.
You can also:
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Contact local services directly for advice and support.
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Use online resources to find information and help.
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Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals for support.
Remember, you're not alone, and help is available. Don't hesitate to seek support.
Commonly asked questions:
‘If two people are in a relationship, do they need to ask for consent before having sex?’
Yes – just because you have had sex with someone before, or are in a long-term sexual relationship, doesn’t mean you’ve automatically given consent to have sex again. It’s always up to you if you want to have sex and consent must be sought and given every time regardless of how many times you have had sex together.
‘Do I only need consent when having penetrative sex?’
No – consent is needed for every and all sexual activity. There are different ways that people have sex, many of which do not involve penetration, and consent is needed for all of them. People of all sexualities, gender identities, and relationship statuses need to ask for consent.
‘If someone is erect or wet, do I need to ask for consent?’
Yes - Sometimes people’s bodies will be turned on even though they do not want to engage in sexual activity. It is common to get an erection at times when you don’t want to have sex.
Even if your penis is erect or your vulva is wet – you do not have to have sex if you do not want to. Physical changes in the body can be a sign that someone is aroused, but this is not always the case. Also, someone might be feeling aroused but still not want to take part in a sexual activity, and this is fine.
Physical arousal is not an invitation to have sex or a sign that someone gives their consent.